How I Saved The President-
Cautionary Tale or Expose on the Dangers of Kids With Butch Lesbian Mullets
By Jesse G.
In what amounts to a trailer for a theoretically non-existent film, we are forced to confront the question of whether or not to believe the fantastical story told by a young boy, clad in early-90s garb and a butch lesbian mullet, claiming that house pets warned him of a plot against the president. It could be the ramblings of an emotionally needy boy, with a weak-willed mother and domineering, disinterested father; a cry for attention, in the vein of secret cutting but minus the physical scars.
Not addressed in the short film is the issue of the inherent lack of trustworthiness of people with mullets, exacerbated by Max’s short cut, implying a lack of caring of personal appearance added to an unsubtle desire to express masculinity where none truly resides. It is a common thing among the butch lesbian subculture but understandable from a confused pre-pubescent boy.
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| Max with Golf Club - Nuff Said... |
Immediately after Max’s entireties to his parents fall on the deaf, emotionally abusive ears of his parents we are given the first twist—an implication that his dog and cat do communicate and are aware of some existential threat to the president. We are not, however, granted confirmation of the veracity of this, as both animals refrain from actually talking, forcing us to assume that they are either telepathic or the strain of crumbling family life added to a horrendous haircut have, indeed, driven the poor boy insane. Real or imaginary, Max is placed with the heavy Pandora-esque responsibility of knowing something that the rest of the world cannot or will not believe.
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| Bad Parenting |
One also has to question the motives of the pets themselves, who encourage the boy to talk to neither his parents nor the cops, a cycle of psychological insulation, leaving Max totally alone, save for his possibly imaginarily-communicative pets and his butch lesbian mullet.
When interrogated by Secret Service agents, Max appears listless and lethargic; we’re led to believe his father made good on the threat to send him for psychiatric help that resulted in some heavy medication. As is often the case with people in psychoactive pharmaceuticals, Max is uncomfortable with the medication and ceases taking them almost immediately. This leads to a psychological breakdown, complete with wild mood swings, paranoia and violent behavior, not to mention a mussed-up butch lesbian mullet. His parents are forced to restrain him, but even this doesn’t calm him down but exacerbated the situation, with him struggling and mumbling semi-coherently.
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| A fine example of a homemade handicap ramp. |
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| Politicians should avoid this gesture. |
One must walk away from this disturbing film with several insights. First, that butch lesbian mullets should be work only by butch lesbians and if your young son shows interest in this haircut you should expect some serious complications. Second, if common house pets talk to you, be very careful to see if their mouths are moving. If not, either they are telepathic or you are crazy. If they only talk to you because they are aware of a threat to the president or some other high-powered individual, you must question the wisdom in them coming to you with the issue and not talking directly to the authorities. Either way, their capricious nature should not be encouraged. It is not your responsibility, and the time wasted in therapy, tied up by your parents and attempting to save the person from this threat (a save which, by the way, Max had nothing to do with thus making his involvement unnecessary), you could be out getting a better haircut.
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Cat - but no Max |
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Dog - but no Max |
